Posts By Slow Marriage

Is your marriage suffocating?

mountain climbers

Never before have so many couples expected a marriage to accomplish so much with so little. In my grandparents’ day people got married to take care of their basic needs: the physical care of a home and family, maybe a farm. Generations since have looked to marriage for romantic love, intimacy and companionship. But today’s couples are expecting more than that when they walk down the aisle: a relationship that will nurture their personal growth.

You can see it from the choreographed proposals on YouTube to the elaborate wedding websites to the Vows column in the New York Times, which take details of the engaged couple’s life that used to remain private out under the celebrity spotlight (here’s a very funny post about that on Jezebel). .

And yet, all the focus on personal growth — work, fitness, helicopter parenting — can make it tough to stay married. I see it every day: Couples sit down across from me in my office and I ask them what they’ve been working on in their marriage this week. They exchange sheepish glances. “Between work, traveling and the kids,” one of them says finally, “we haven’t actually spent any time together since the last time we were here with you.”

I’m all for celebrating love and a full life. But the mythology that surrounds today’s marriages — two fabulously interesting people who will stride forward into an amazing life together — never seems to leave much room for the diaper pail, not to mention unemployment or getting sick. And when the inevitable hardships do come, they get in the way of writing a novel or doing a start-up or living on three continents. Even when times are good, such an intense focus on personal achievement, with less emphasis on nurturing the relationship itself with tenderness, time and mutual generosity, leaves many marriages starved. The risk is that partners live in parallel universes.

Just read a new paper by a team of Chicago researchers that described this transformation of marriage in the U.S. through the past three centuries. The researchers, led by Eli Finkel at Northwestern University, used a different metaphor. They concluded that marriage is suffocating because partners’ expectations have climbed sky-high without supplying the “oxygen” — the time and energy — a relationship requires in order to thrive. Our marriages are gasping for air.

Focusing on the “fabulous” means missing an important step. If we want a marriage to nurture us, we need to nurture it. Simple as that.

A few ideas on how to get more “oxygen” into your relationship:

  1. Devote 20 minutes a day to couple time. No electronics, no work, no children. If you haven’t done this in a while, you’re likely to start out feeling awkward. Stick with it. As it becomes a ritual — part of your day’s rhythm — you’ll start looking forward to your moments together. Start by taking turns talking about one thing you genuinely appreciate about each other — the way you look or smell or taste, a recent act of kindness, a simple moment you enjoyed.
  2. Share your dreams. Instead of expecting your marriage to catapult you onto the next level of achievement, recognize that just confiding in your partner about the next step you have in mind is, in itself, a way to nurture your relationship. It’s an opportunity to reveal what’s in your heart and to consider how you can help each other reach your goals, big and small.
  3. Know that nurturing your marriage leads to personal growth. Listening to a partner, being sensitive to his or her needs and feelings, expressing wishes and vulnerabilities clearly and calmly, developing compassion: none of these abilities comes easily or naturally. Over the years of a marriage, we practice them. We learn how to be honest, kind and close. Now that’s amazing.

More thoughts on this topic on my Real-Life Relationship Repairs blog.


Solve all your problems by moving?

If only.covered wagon

Recently I had the joy and privilege of traveling with my spouse to Santa Fe, a town to fall in love with. Met a couple — two men in their forties — who were delighting in their move there from a big, bustling city. “Love the culture change,” one of them — I’ll call him George — told me. He’d been glad to leave a high-pressure career behind.  “My partner took up art when we moved here. When I tell that to people in our old city, they ask, ‘Art?  Really? How’s he gonna support himself?’ But here in Santa Fe, they just say, ‘Art? Great! What medium?'”

Wow.  Great story.  For a few seconds I got sucked in.  Here in the beautiful Southwest, I’d stumbled on a work-life paradise!  I almost forgot that I was hearing what we in the mental health field call “the geographic solution,” the idea that by relocating, we can leave our problems behind.  Maybe the geographic solution isn’t a fallacy, I thought. After all, some places really are cheaper to live in than others, right?  And some are friendlier, or prettier, or more cultural. Why knock yourself out paying high rent in the big city when you and your spouse could bask in the charms of a smaller town?

Chatted with the same couple again a few days later.  “We won’t stay here more than a year,” George said this time.  “My job just doesn’t offer the benefits to give me the kind of retirement I want.”

So much for the geographic solution.  If there’s somewhere you really want to move, by all means go ahead, but keep your eyes wide open.  No matter where we live, couples need to consciously create a life together and plan for the future.  Nothing’s easy.  Everything’s a trade-off. Daydreaming that somewhere else would be The Perfect Place only distracts us from digging in where we are and sorting out the possibilities right now.

What makes a marriage feel like a dance? Part 3

One reason I see marriages going stale (or blowing up) is that partners get caught up in the shopping mentality. I don’t mean too many mall trips. I’m talking about the idea that you find The One, bring him or her home, and the relationship just keeps running for decades, like a Volvo. Choosing a partner is just the beginning. I want to say it’s like getting your hands on a well-designed junker and then tinkering with it in the driveway for a couple of decades until it’s humming, but maybe that’s a discouraging way to describe marriage as a creative process, which is great news.

Let’s go back to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi‘s ideas about flow. (Find my two previous posts on this topic here and here.)  Two more elements of flow, says Dr. C.: Clear Goals and Feedback; and Concentration on the Task at Hand. If you usually think of flow as being on autopilot, or as just letting things happen, neither of those elements sounds very “flowing,” does it? Instead they are both about getting clear on what you’re aiming for and focusing hard to get there.

That kind of goal-centered awareness keeps a marriage moving forward. Some marriage experts recommend partners create a mission statement. Asking yourself and each other, “What kind of life do we want to build?” is helpful, but I also like a more dynamic approach that lets us learn from bumps and breakdowns.  So more often I ask people to take a step back and incorporate into regular conversation what makes them special as a couple. Do a weekly check-in on one or two of these questions:  When do you enjoy yourselves most? When do you enjoy each other? What really matters to you?  What do you hope to gain from tough times? What aspect of your relationship are you working on right now? How can you do it more effectively?


A response to the Times’ Opt-Out-Opt-In piece…

Sharing this from my psychotherapy/marriage practice website:  Hope you’ll take a look.  Work-life integration is not a woman’s problem!  Slow Marriage offers a shared path to life-sustaining partnership…

What makes a marriage feel like a dance? Part 2

bigstock-Street-dancers-performing-tang-28915865“I’ve been super supportive during your deal,” Sarah, a tax accountant, told her husband, John, an attorney who was calling from his office at midnight.  “I want you to admit that last year during my busy season you didn’t step up to the plate.”  Not surprisingly, John refused to “admit” anything and they hung up angry.

Sarah had gone the Fast Marriage route:  No attention to whether her hasty late-night phone demand was likely to elicit a meaningful response.  No focus on results.  By comparing John’s behavior unfavorably to her own, she’d resorted to taking the moral high ground — never a promising way to engage a partner.  Sarah was feeling the pain of a relationship wound that needed healing, but raising it this way wasn’t going to accomplish that.

Let’s take a Slow Marriage approach:  

  1. Wait a beat.  Sarah lets her husband absorb (without any negative or begrudging comment from her) how great it was to have her support during his late week.  Sometimes we need to trust that our partner, like us, is learning from everyday life experience.  That’s one reason marriages improve over time.
  2. Engage your partner as an ally.  Before getting into why she’s upset, Sarah gets John on board: “Listen, there’s something I’d like to discuss with you.  Ready to  talk?”  The focus is on a conversation that will be good for the the marriage.  That protects Sarah by ensuring that her relationship wound will get the caring attention it deserves.
  3. Focus on the future, not the past.  Instead of insisting John “admit” anything, Sarah tells him that she is still hurt about the way he hadn’t been there for her during tax season and asks him for assurance that next time he’ll be more attentive — taking over some of her chores and errands, giving her a back massage, listening to her vent, whatever’s important to her.  More often than not, in my experience, John is glad for specific instructions on how to brighten Sarah’s day.

Which brings us to the #2 element in Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi‘s analysis of flow:  The Merging of Action and Awareness.  When we just criticize our partner, we are highly aware of what we’re feeling.  But awareness without action is just complaining.  It’s like an awkward dance or a bad golf swing.  No flow.  By telling John about her hurt and letting him know what she’d like in the future, Sarah is both aware of her relationship wound and taking action to heal it, She’s changed their dance step.  Flow.

What makes a marriage feel like a dance?


What make a marriage feel like a dance?  Couples therapists and researchers whose work I most admire — John and Julie Gottman, William Doherty. Sue JohnsonTerry Real, Michele Weiner-DavisHarville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, and Ellen Bader and Peter Pearson — have offered cogent, helpful answers. On the shoulders of giants, I’m interested in a particular way of viewing the question.  Here on the Slow Marriage blog I’ll explore the impact of time as a silent partner in every marriage.  The more we deepen our awareness of time, the more we connect to each other.  It”s a lot like dancing.

Think about it.  Time slows down when you’re dancing; you’re counting beats, and yet, when all goes well, you lose track.  You let go. In a landmark book Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi — the Hungarian professor who founded the Quality of Life Research Center at Claremont Graduate University — called that paradoxical experience “flow.

Dr. C. described in detail the kind of optimal experiences we all discover when we first fall in love.  Time with our beloved seems to last forever, we lose ourselves in the experience, we feel as though the gods have smiled on us.  Powerful.  

As a marriage counselor, I always ask couples to tell me how they met.  If they turn to each other and their eyes light up and they tell me about long walks and leisurely conversations, I know that even in long-married couples, those memories are likely to be vivid enough to see them through the hard work of repairing their relationship.  Together they’ve experienced flow.

Often couples think they need to solve all their problems before they’ll find that flow again.  Not so.  Actually, getting into that flow gives them a running start when they need to tackle tough stuff.  Flow is just as much as cause of marriage happiness as it is an effect.

So how do we find that flow? There are 6 elements, wrote Dr. C., in this kind of pleasure:

  1. A Challenging Activity That Requires Skills
  2. The Merging of Action and Awareness
  3. Clear Goals and Feedback
  4. Concentration on the Task at Hand
  5. The Paradox of Control
  6. The Loss of Self-Consciousness

For today let’s take a look at the first element, A Challenging Activity That Requires Skills.  Dr. C. notes that most of these optimal or peak experiences happen “within sequences of activities that are goal-directed and bounded by rules.”  These activities “require the investment of psychic energy, and…could not be done without the appropriate skills.”  Sports and games are an obvious example, but Dr. C.points out that flow can happen in any pursuit that demands a “fine balancing of challenges and skills.”

Would many people put marriage in that category?

Often I find that couples who come to see me believe that their partner should automatically be their best friend.  Or they tell me that it “shouldn’t be this hard.”  When things are really bad they just want to explain in exquisite detail exactly how all the problems in their marriage are their partner’s fault.

Thinking of marriage as A Challenging Activity That Requires Skills means recognizing that with training and practice, a relationship improves over time.  Like trained dancers, we turn and dip instead of stepping on each other’s toes.  Over the years, we learn a few things.  We grow.

Has an older person in your life ever told you that?  Why not ask a long-married couple in your family or neighborhood about their experience?  We have quite a bit of research to say it’s true.

More on Dr. C’s flow criteria next time.